I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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