i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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