what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I wear drunk well.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
