pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
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She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
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We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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