hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
