dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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