Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
