the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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