Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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