you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
