Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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