You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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