he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
