I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I don't want my vagina anymore.