is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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