you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
