so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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