I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
