I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
