I will die if light touches me.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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