3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
wat bout pragnant strippers??
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
