i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
