I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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