I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
