Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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