Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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