I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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