he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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