dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
