It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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