if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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