Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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