Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Randomize
