You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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