My underwear smells like fireworks.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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