you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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