You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
