After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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