I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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