Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
