just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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