Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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