Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
