I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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