so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
