Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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