The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
