Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
