Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
