If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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