I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
