Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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