There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
