Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
