Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
