Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
