I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
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She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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