I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
