i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i barfeds in our rink
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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