Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
